It is too late to pretend I don't exist, as I have just commented on TWO other blogs. Oh dear.
Length of posts suggests perhaps Twitter would have been a better choice for me...
Monday 29 November 2010
Monday 22 November 2010
Gruß dich meine Freundin
This feels incredibly strange. Talking to people I know are out there but not (yet?!) listening. It isn't a conversation yet, just a monologue, one which I haven't prepared for. Except in a way I have been preparing for it. I have been reading blogs for literally years and following, nay stalking, a few. I feel a bit of a creep actually. A peeping tom. I have never ever commented on any of the posts I wanted to, or said any of the things I was thinking, or offered suggestions even when I had some. This was stupid. For some reason I felt crippled and silenced by self-conciousness, but only online. In reality I am confident, comfortable and affable, I think...
Anyway, this is all a bit too pathetic for my liking, so I'm just going to start.
Hello.
My name is Matilda. I live in London with my boyfriend and my so-sexy-he's-edible kitten (His name is Kitten, obviously, but when he gets bigger he will be called Chairman Mao. It just seems a bit grand for a small fluffy kitten. He will eventually be manly though. Boo!)
I am a keen maker of things. Anything. I love to sew, draw, paint, knit and cook. I think I like to write but my reluctance to start a blog says different.
I graduated this year, and surprise surprise have found it near impossible to get a job, so I am currently unemployed. I studied Joint Honours English and Film Studies. You imagine I like film, and you are not wrong. I was going to start a Masters in Film in September but then I realised (I had realised months ago, but I was in denial) I just couldn't afford to do it. For a few weeks i refused to read fil critics, watch films, etc. The shelf of film theory books mocked my naivity. I just felt like an idiot. But it was also a blessing because I had also started seriously doubting my desire to do an MA. I originally wanted to be a lecturer in Film Philosophy. But the thought of the pressure and the young people all needing you and having to sit in front of a computer for hours and having to do so much sodding admin all made me think that maybe it isn't for me. My ideal job would go something like this;
Get up. Earlyish, I like to get up early and go to bed early, much to the chagrin of everyone I know (except my mother of course, who thinks I am very sensible indeed and follows suit). Eat something delicious. favourites include Eggs Benedict, Bircher muesli and the most buttery crumpets you did ever see.
Catch up with the blogosphere.
Play dress up.
Get on my extremely heavy bike and cycle to somewhere with lots of charity shops. Hey, this is my ideal job in my ideal world, so let us say there are as many hours in the day as I wish, and there is also an incredible jumble sale on the way, with only old ladies to fend off.
Cycle home, picking up a Salt Beef bagel with sweet mustard for lunch. Or two. Yum.
Then spend the whole afternoon listening to the radio, watching rubbishy telly, or decent films and doing stuff. A little knitting or what have you. Accompanied by treats, and kitten.
Then have a delicious dinner, possibly with some nice people, maybe a beer, and fall asleep, relaxed and happy.
Sounds good yeah?
So I decided that I want to be self-employed. I am not cut out to work in admin. I am too lazy, I am wrong for it. It is wrong for me. So recently I started saying, when people ask, 'Oh, I'm kindof self-employed', to which they reply 'Doing what?' and I say, 'A bit of everything really', and then either reel off a load of things I'd like to do, or change the subject, because I'm not really.
But I am working towards it. In January I start a Pattern Cutting course at my local community college. It won't leave me qualified as such, but it is the only course I can realistically afford, and it will give me a flavour of whether this is what I want to do. Ideally (this word is cropping up a lot) I would like to trade in Vintage and Secondhand accessories as well as my own knits and clothing. And some hats. I have currently reserved all the millinery books in London Libraries, and they are winging their way to my branch. 'Practical Millinery' arrived last week. I am lost with it. But I will keep trying. I am currently making a blue wool minidress with 3/4 sleeves and a matching floral half hat. But the tits are all pointy, and I'm not good enough to know how to fix them.
So I think I'm starting the blog in order to feel less isolated, to vent, to acknowledge enjoyment of life and the internet, to get in touch with people I like. University was a bit boring for me. No one wanted to 'do' anything. I love London, and I love being here, but I have managed to cut myself off from people. When I meet people I enjoy myself and it reminds me that people seem to enjoy my company. I like that. But the people I like most are also the people who are doing the most, and are so busy that I feel intimidated in to not even trying to fit myself in to their lives. And then I go back to hibernating, and plotting my return. It is pretty funny really.
I am worried I am being too candid, too pathetic, and just embaressing myself. But I want to do this, and I need to be this in order to start the 'journey', har har. I'm self-concious that I am making myself look like a self-absorbed, depressed, whiney arse.
But I promise, Dear not-there-yet readers, I will prove to you that I am not.
(how do I end this?!)
Tchuss!
Matilda
(I am not German, but I started German classes (and never finished them- Sorry David) and 'grüß dich' and 'tchuss!' were two of my favourite phrases.)
Anyway, this is all a bit too pathetic for my liking, so I'm just going to start.
Hello.
My name is Matilda. I live in London with my boyfriend and my so-sexy-he's-edible kitten (His name is Kitten, obviously, but when he gets bigger he will be called Chairman Mao. It just seems a bit grand for a small fluffy kitten. He will eventually be manly though. Boo!)
I am a keen maker of things. Anything. I love to sew, draw, paint, knit and cook. I think I like to write but my reluctance to start a blog says different.
I graduated this year, and surprise surprise have found it near impossible to get a job, so I am currently unemployed. I studied Joint Honours English and Film Studies. You imagine I like film, and you are not wrong. I was going to start a Masters in Film in September but then I realised (I had realised months ago, but I was in denial) I just couldn't afford to do it. For a few weeks i refused to read fil critics, watch films, etc. The shelf of film theory books mocked my naivity. I just felt like an idiot. But it was also a blessing because I had also started seriously doubting my desire to do an MA. I originally wanted to be a lecturer in Film Philosophy. But the thought of the pressure and the young people all needing you and having to sit in front of a computer for hours and having to do so much sodding admin all made me think that maybe it isn't for me. My ideal job would go something like this;
Get up. Earlyish, I like to get up early and go to bed early, much to the chagrin of everyone I know (except my mother of course, who thinks I am very sensible indeed and follows suit). Eat something delicious. favourites include Eggs Benedict, Bircher muesli and the most buttery crumpets you did ever see.
Catch up with the blogosphere.
Play dress up.
Get on my extremely heavy bike and cycle to somewhere with lots of charity shops. Hey, this is my ideal job in my ideal world, so let us say there are as many hours in the day as I wish, and there is also an incredible jumble sale on the way, with only old ladies to fend off.
Cycle home, picking up a Salt Beef bagel with sweet mustard for lunch. Or two. Yum.
Then spend the whole afternoon listening to the radio, watching rubbishy telly, or decent films and doing stuff. A little knitting or what have you. Accompanied by treats, and kitten.
Then have a delicious dinner, possibly with some nice people, maybe a beer, and fall asleep, relaxed and happy.
Sounds good yeah?
So I decided that I want to be self-employed. I am not cut out to work in admin. I am too lazy, I am wrong for it. It is wrong for me. So recently I started saying, when people ask, 'Oh, I'm kindof self-employed', to which they reply 'Doing what?' and I say, 'A bit of everything really', and then either reel off a load of things I'd like to do, or change the subject, because I'm not really.
But I am working towards it. In January I start a Pattern Cutting course at my local community college. It won't leave me qualified as such, but it is the only course I can realistically afford, and it will give me a flavour of whether this is what I want to do. Ideally (this word is cropping up a lot) I would like to trade in Vintage and Secondhand accessories as well as my own knits and clothing. And some hats. I have currently reserved all the millinery books in London Libraries, and they are winging their way to my branch. 'Practical Millinery' arrived last week. I am lost with it. But I will keep trying. I am currently making a blue wool minidress with 3/4 sleeves and a matching floral half hat. But the tits are all pointy, and I'm not good enough to know how to fix them.
So I think I'm starting the blog in order to feel less isolated, to vent, to acknowledge enjoyment of life and the internet, to get in touch with people I like. University was a bit boring for me. No one wanted to 'do' anything. I love London, and I love being here, but I have managed to cut myself off from people. When I meet people I enjoy myself and it reminds me that people seem to enjoy my company. I like that. But the people I like most are also the people who are doing the most, and are so busy that I feel intimidated in to not even trying to fit myself in to their lives. And then I go back to hibernating, and plotting my return. It is pretty funny really.
I am worried I am being too candid, too pathetic, and just embaressing myself. But I want to do this, and I need to be this in order to start the 'journey', har har. I'm self-concious that I am making myself look like a self-absorbed, depressed, whiney arse.
But I promise, Dear not-there-yet readers, I will prove to you that I am not.
(how do I end this?!)
Tchuss!
Matilda
(I am not German, but I started German classes (and never finished them- Sorry David) and 'grüß dich' and 'tchuss!' were two of my favourite phrases.)
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